Relationships

What do men and women want/need/look for in a relationship?

Purchased from Bali, October 2014

We all know there's no universal answer.  You read about it in the magazines/blogs/internet.  You hear about it from peers and strangers.  You experience failed and successful relationships.  You observe your parents', friends' and family's relationships.  I've tried to reflect and knuckle it down to 3 things:

1. Excellent teamworking skills

This may sound like a CV/medical school application but it covers a lot of points.  There are several qualities and skills required to make a team successful.
First, they want to win and succeed. The ambition is there.
Secondly, they recognise and understand each others best and worst qualities and traits, strengths and weaknesses, and fears and ambitions. They work around problems with these all in mind: utilising strengths to their potential; supporting the weaknesses and nurturing improvement and learning; being considerate of the other team player's emotional, mental and physical health.
Thirdly, they take turns to lead.
Fourthly, they evaluate situations should things go wrong - they don't blame.
Lastly, they are excellent communicators - absolute key to success.

2. Need for affection
We humans need affection - be it physical or emotional.  It releases dopamine and oxycontin, relieves stress, makes us feel good/happy/secure/safe, ...makes us feel accepted.  I admire and aspire to be like those old couples who still hold hands and kiss each other on the cheeks/lips in public.  A peck a day at least, if within proximity of each other or under the same roof.  Random thoughtful displays - be it a surprise home-cooked dinner, cake, a flower, a post-it note or cleaned up home - will always be extra brownies points and induce a big smile on my weary face after work.  A simple hug or back hug/spoon. A little dance.  A nuzzle on the nose.  Snuggling on the couch.  You feel appreciated and loved.  The power and influence of a simple human touch often goes unrecognized.

I've noticed that patients respond better and feel less frightened/worried/alone/vulnerable with just a gentle hand touch to their shoulder or by just holding their hands.  Human hands are connectors and by closing the gates with human touch thus completing the circuit, currents of empathy, compassion, and reassurance flows.

3. Nurturing 
The two people mutually have to be able to and most importantly want to bring the best out of each other and create that supportive, secure and encouraging environment.  They both need to respect and admire each others' accomplishments and inspire each other.  In life, Admire to Aspire to Inspire.

Happiness Equation

I have mulled over this question for nearly 25 years.  I'm a fairly reflective, mature individual, the one that observes in the corner applying lessons of others to my Life. It'd be interesting to see how this changes in the next couple of years when major changes happen in my life.  But these things are the basics and foundation and what I believe makes me happy and hopefully the majority:

1. Having found, understand and being able to express your character.
When I say this, I emphasize on the basics of one's character.  It is important to have a solid  understanding and foundation of your character in order to build extra fancy architecture on top.  One may say a 24 year old is too young to have found their character.  We all discover this at different times of our lives, or never!  We are all different and we focus on aspects of our lives differently and at different times.  This was one that I made of utmost importance during high school and university.  I am confident to say I know the basics of what I am, who I am, my capabilities and weaknesses, what I like and dislike, and what's good and bad for me.  I know when I'm myself, because when I'm in my zone, I'm relaxed, care-free and happy.  I've noticed that when I'm around people, the chemistry is either soluble or insoluble: when soluble I feel like a free particle floating freely and merrily around going with the flow, but when insoluble I sink to the bottom of the flask, stuck under gravity, crystallised, trapped... 

Having a strong sense of character gives you a sense of identity.  Having an identity gives you confidence and presence.  Having a presence can allow you to inspire and share happiness with others.  Happiness of others makes you happy too.

Having a strong sense of character helps you to make decisions regarding what's best suited for you and what risks you can take and whether you can handle the consequences.

I've come across social circumstances where I've not been able to exude my personality and character, of which I don't waste my time.  There are lots of people in this world, you have a choice!

2. Good health... and teeth
Good physical and mental and emotional health.  You can buy 'good health' up to an certain extent, but we've all been taught how to look after ourselves since primary school: healthy eating, lifestyle, don't smoke, minimal alcohol, exercise, coping with stress, etc., that covers the basics!  Genetically, I'm grateful that nothing major runs in my family, neither has nothing traumatic happened to me yet (touch wood).  As a doctor, I see all forms of life/people and health stati and lifestyles.  I see a lot of deaths, grief and bereavement too.  Safe to say, I do not want to be a patient ever if I could avoid it.

Teeth.  These moles can be made into mountains!!  Good dentists that you can trust are hard to find. Floss and brush your teeth!

I wish pain and suffering upon no one that I will forever and continue to be a doctor (despite its toll on my health and lifestyle).  If I could have a magic power: all forms of suffering - I wish I could abolish with a healing hand or wand across the world.  Unnecessary suffering and pain is inhumane.

3. To have a strong support network of loved ones
I'm lucky to have such a loving family and upbringing.  I have about 35+ very strong friendship bonds that I essentially consider them as family.  Most of them are from high school and university, and few from work.  My strong network nurtures my character and my life changes and decisions, and loves me, which makes me feel very secure and essentially happy.  To feel loved is a beautiful wonderful feeling, be it from a family member, friend or lover. 


And that's my list!  Just 3 things.  Basic, yet brimming.  In my day-to-day life, I've found that the "1. Having found, understand and being able to express your character." has been challenged the most and is very important in any type of relationship.

FY2/SHO Doctor Update

So it's been a year since my first 'doctor' post where I was a FY1/House Officer at a central hospital.  All my rotations were constantly busy and rushed off my feet and full of sick patients but I learned/adapted to enjoy the adrenaline.  I did have further crying breakdowns up until March 2014 where I was actually HAPPY and appreciated what I was doing.  It was midway of my second job in March when the revelation came: Infectious Diseases - septic, immuno-compromised, exotic diseases.  I was doing my own ward rounds most of the time and all the jobs... being devoid of 2-supposed-SHOs.  I really was making a difference and I could recognise it because despite being the 'baby' of the team, I was solely responsible of them all. Yes, the pressure mounted time to time, but I learned to focus on all the positives and picture the patients' smiles.  My last job was the busiest with more sick-patients - a surgical job... but I strangely didn't mind it.


So what else happened over the FY1 year?

1. Mentally/educationally: 
• I became quicker.  I became harder. 
• I knew when and who to escalate to ...asap! (THE ULTIMATE survival skill for all FY1/HOs to take on board)
• Knowing how to prioritize patients ...and myself.
• I had made allies who knew about my working ethic and were there to help me (hail medical registrars!).
• Good note taking is always appreciated.  Also decreases your chances of possible litigation!
2. Physically
• I made sure I drank something and pee'd (...most of the time).
• Accept tea from the nurses/healthcare assistants if the opportunity arrives! Tea calms all qualms.
• (Unfortunately my eating cycle/habits were and still are erratic.)
• Drank less coffee meant less heart palpitations!
• When 'argh-frustrated' and home, I just stripped off into joggers and ran HARD...even if it's just for 5-10 minutes.
• Bubble baths and music.
• Music/herbal aids/wine/whiskey for insomniac nights.
3. Emotionally
• I learned to control my inner chimp (reference to Prof Steve Peters book 'Mind Management'... he lectured me back in university, but I only read his book recently as a FY2/SHO doctor). 
• Learned to not give a damn about those rubbish, responsibility-shafting, scapegoating colleagues. Learned to protect myself.  Stand up against bullying happening to others and yourself at the work place too.
• Let myself cry.  It's normal. 
4. Socially
• I quit alcohol from May 2014 onwards (for 3 months).  Went on night outs still and danced my heart away.  As much as I enjoyed those drunken nights and 6am-McDonalds-feasts, I appreciated not having a wasted day or hangover and that I had more money in my banks account and a healthier liver and stomach.  Gastritis/reflux improved.
• Every free weekend I went to see family or friends. Have fun. Indulged on food or shopping within reason :)
• Bond with other doctors. Make it a nicer environment to work in.  Listen to gossip, offer some of your own gossip.  Offer food. Bring food.  Offer tea!

I think as doctors, we look after so many patients that we forget what we have actually achieved.  We have so much power and control of people's lives that they have entrusted us with.  At the end of the day, as long as YOU are happy that you've saved this person from dying, relieved their suffering or bought them time, that's what most importantly matters (in my books anyway).  Please don't do it in the mindset of solely trying to impress a colleague, earn money, not get into legalities, add it to your CV, etc. - all that superficial blah, if you want to preserve your sanity at the end of the day.

I'm now a surgical FY2/SHO in a district hospital which I LOVE both the hospital and specialty!  I was a previously 'anti-surgery' but now I really enjoy surgery and the simplicity of it all.  I have 1 month left of surgery in my entire career (8 shifts actually!).  I won't be pursuing surgery, but I'm still going to do my Basic Surgical Skills course.  It was £600 out of my own pocket, but I know I'll enjoy it and appreciate having those skills in the future. 

Working environment really makes a difference.  I have such a lovely team, the nicest so far. Being nice makes a difference.  Being around nice people is a pleasure in itself.  You want to look forward to come to work. 

I look at the current FY1s now fondly.  Boy, do you mature a lot more than you think!  Also do you realise just how much you've achieved.  It's nice.  Commendable.  Tetley's aaahhhh.

Yes I still get bored doing the mundane jobs as a SHO still.  Yawn.  Discharge summaries/TTOs.  Dull. Dull. Dull.  Same with E-Portfolio/CV/exams never-ending hoops.

So now I'm at the stage of trying to decide what I want to do with my career and life.  I've done loads of taster days.  I've changed my mind SO many times in these past 3-4 months, it's becoming ridiculous.  I am taking a gap year... maybe two, but I want them to be productive.  I keep flitting from A&E to GP to Medical Registrar (Dermatology, Cardiology, Rheumatology, Sports Medicine) to Radiology.  I know I can and will be a passionate, good doctor... I just need to DECIDE and FOCUS to then just get loads of opportunities in that specialty lined up in this cut-throat-competitive-world-of-medicine!   Also need to get my head down for an exam next year... and I've not touched a book/revised for 19-20 months and I have a restless butt.  Also I need to decide where I want to settle in the future : UK, Australia/NZ, Singapore, Hong Kong, Canada, USA?  I also need to decide on when to fit in boys, settle down, babies, family, house, mortgage, (aka grown up stuff)... if ever!  (Think GP is a good road...)

So yeah, mid-twenties life crisis of an independent girl who highly prioritizes fun and adventures.

More hoops, more struggles, too much choice thus irritating-Life-uncertainties... but on the bright side, I am EXCITED for what Life has in store for me because:

THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER.

Halloween Abstract Art Clown + Other Ideas

Halloween Party 2014.  Not fancy-dressed in ages.  As you can tell, I love intricate art.  Looked round for inspiration, found it on BoredPanda.com.

I didn't practice before hand. I just finished work late and tried to slap this on as quick as possible (3 hours!).  It was quite difficult to achieve near-symmetry of the eyes whilst doing it with your eyes closed!  I wish I had a finer makeup brush to paint my face to give it a neater, finer definition.  

METHOD:

1. I outlined my face in gel eyeliner and liquid eyeliner (=black areas).  The gel eyeliner was used to fill the black areas which was great because it was smooth and easy to apply and correct mistakes...and didn't crack!
2. I then applied the White using Water-based Snazaroo which kept on cracking and being translucent, so then I put CREAM-based on top (From Asda, Halloween Kids section, £5 for multi-colours).  Then I did the exact same with the Red and Blue. 
3. Finishing touches using a camera to take shots to check and alter any odd-shaped-eyes or bad lines!
4. Cream based black to cover the body.  Suit jacket, waist jacket, and trousers.

Oven-reflection shot!

The inspiration

http://www.boredpanda.com/halloween-make-up/

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PAST HALLOWEEN VENTURES:

 Doctor Who (The Silence)
This was a group fancy dress but I made my mask not knowing how my peers were doing theirs!

1. Inflated a balloon.
2. Paper mache'd newspaper strips over the balloon (about 3 layers and drying periods); then added 3D paper mache moulds (roll up/scrunch the newspaper, bend, poke, and PVC glue it) to create the skull bones/definition around the eyes and eyebrows.
3. Popped the balloon!
4. Cut two eye holes + slit nostrils to breathe + circle for a straw to fit into my mouth + two slits at the nape of the neck so you can slip on and off the mask.  
5. Water-based white paint. 
6. Having fun with water-based black paint; smudging some of the dried black paint to create the fading effect aka grey.
7. Grey skull details streaks at the back.
8. Suit and Tie.